The Path
our neighbor for anything. But I learned a lot about lawyers and how
they operate. We were very aware of how we were being perceived. Those
big bad city boys were kicking sand in the eyes of this innocent, naive
country boy. That was so far from the truth. But since when does Truth
have anything to do with Man's Laws.
I felt very wounded by this whole experience. I am a trusting person and
like to see the best in people. This turned everything upside down.
Revisiting the events with Lenny in the first year and a
half truly disturbed me. I felt soiled. I believe he fit the profile
of the
neighbor in the film "American Beauty". He was good. We were caught in
his web before we knew what was happening. Realizing that there was
nothing sincere about his actions creeps me out. Now knowing that we
were being played from the beginning has made me more cautious of
people's motives and agendas. I started to build a big wall wall
around
myself. However Lenny, continued his performance.
It was a mixed blessing. This road block put me on a journey
of self-discovery that I may have never taken. One of our dearest friends and
teacher, Leor Warner, assisted me in understanding the bigger picture.
I thought
I had had a basic understanding of my being until this. I started to
read, took meditation classes, yoga, took classes in Hands On Healing.
All in an attempt to rebuild my sense of place. I did feel that I was
living in two worlds. Having spent my most formative years in New York
City, where anything is possible. I was now living surrounded by a
Zeitgeist of doubt where everyone believes they are powerless. We had
totally lost
sight that being Gay was taboo. The only people interested in us being
Gay while we lived in NYC were single gay men and single heterosexual
women. We had forgotten we were different, We really didn't think it
any big deal that both of our names were on the deed. But we were
reminded
everyday, why we moved to NYC after college. We thank the Universe
everyday for that experience and for the courage to have done what we
had done with our lives. We followed our Bliss. This was a whole other
experience, navigating in what I call a "MInd Field" was a new
challenge. I had forgotten how different I was. But I didn't really
need walls for protection. I needed a new perspective. I often felt
like I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome of sorts—where you start
to
identify with your captors just to get by.
So much of this whole experience reminded me of a rerun of my early
life growing up in a small town. I was the youngest of five. I was
different. I had an older brother who punched me all the time. I never
fought back. However, he did stop picking on me as I grew sturdier. I
remember
my parents rarely intervening to stop his aggression. I suspect that
they believed that his behavior was a passive-aggressive attempt on
their part to "degay" me. I was constantly called a "sissy" by my peers
and tried to grow thick skin. This taunting continued through High
School. So when I graduated from High School, I started college 3 weeks
after graduation. I got out of dodge. It did get better. I had Dreams.
So here I was in my late 30's, trying to understand my tolerance of
negative behavior toward me. So much so that my passive resistance
could put Ghandi to shame. Was I tolerant or acknowledging a
programmed message? I created a path (or quaint road), around a field on
our property.
Scott had originally started taking our beloved dog for walks in the
field. I mowed a path and maintained it. A neighbor , who we would hire
to cut our fields, had used a piece of equipment with his tractor to
grade the path. I then would drag an old box spring around to grade it
more. It was great. It was Peaceful. I would venture to say, I had
walked the loop, about 1/2 mile, thousands of times, yes thousands.
Some days, I would do 14 laps. Our dog would cut out and sit on the
deck and watch. It got me grounded. I filled my mind with mantras as I
walked. I had never felt this kind of despair before. In the saddest of
moments I would ask God "to help me or take me". The property is sort
of land locked so the path is very
private. It enables you to get away. Similar to walking on the edge of
a forest. I was becoming one with Nature. I Love Nature because it
tells the Truth. The aloneness was beautiful.
So this double edged sword cut both ways. In a generous moment, I could
write thank you notes to my adversaries. They forced me to examine my
lack of desire to defend myself when being attacked. The one thing I
did learn is that many still believe that Gay People should know their
place. That LGBT people should have expectations of being the object
of bullying. That it is naive to expect Civil Treatment. That my riding
tall in the saddle made me a target. People interpreted my being One
as a posture, a threat. That somehow I should know my place. I was the
Queer with the attitude who needed to be taught a lesson.
As it is said " if you don't stand for something, you will fall for
anything". No one was going to steal my Joy!
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