Heaven & Hell ©1995 Jerry Kott

Heaven & Hell ©1995 Jerry Kott

Sunday, November 14, 2010

PATH FINDER





The Path




There was a lingering embarrassment that we both had for having paid 
our neighbor for anything. But I learned a lot about lawyers and how 
they operate. We were very aware of how we were being perceived. Those 
big bad city boys were kicking sand in the eyes of this innocent, naive 
country boy. That was so far from the truth. But since when does Truth 
have anything to do with Man's Laws. 
 
I felt very wounded by this whole experience. I am a trusting person and 
like to see the best in people. This turned everything upside down. 
Revisiting the events with Lenny in the first year and a 
half truly disturbed me. I felt soiled. I believe he fit the profile 
of the 
neighbor in the film "American Beauty". He was good. We were caught in 
his web before we knew what was happening. Realizing that there was 
nothing sincere about his actions creeps me out. Now knowing that we 
were being played from the beginning has made me more cautious of 
people's motives and agendas. I started to build a big wall wall 
around 
myself. However Lenny, continued his performance. 
 
It was a mixed blessing. This road block put me on a journey 
of self-discovery that I may have never taken. One of our dearest friends and 
teacher, Leor Warner, assisted me in understanding the bigger picture. 
I thought 
I had had a basic understanding of my being until this. I started to 
read, took meditation classes, yoga, took classes in Hands On Healing. 
All in an attempt to rebuild my sense of place. I did feel that I was 
living in two worlds. Having spent my most formative years in New York 
City, where anything is possible. I was now living surrounded by a 
Zeitgeist of doubt where everyone believes they are powerless. We had 
totally lost 
sight that being Gay was taboo. The only people interested in us being 
Gay while we lived in NYC were single gay men and single heterosexual 
women. We had forgotten we were different, We really didn't think it 
any big deal that both of our names were on the deed. But we were 
reminded 
everyday, why we moved to NYC after college. We thank the Universe 
everyday for that experience and for the courage to have done what we 
had done with our lives. We followed our Bliss. This was a whole other 
experience, navigating in what I call a "MInd Field" was a new 
challenge. I had forgotten how different I was. But I didn't really 
need walls for protection. I needed a new perspective. I often felt 
like I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome of sorts—where you start 
to 
identify with your captors just to get by. 
 
So much of this whole experience reminded me of a rerun of my early 
life growing up in a small town. I was the youngest of five. I was 
different. I had an older brother who punched me all the time. I never 
fought back. However, he did stop picking on me as I grew sturdier. I 
remember 
my parents rarely intervening to stop his aggression. I suspect that 
they believed that his behavior was a passive-aggressive attempt on 
their part to "degay" me. I was constantly called a "sissy" by my peers 
and tried to grow thick skin. This taunting continued through High 
School. So when I graduated from High School, I started college 3 weeks 
after graduation. I got out of dodge. It did get better. I had Dreams. 
 
So here I was in my late 30's, trying to understand my tolerance of 
negative behavior toward me. So much so that my passive resistance 
could put Ghandi to shame. Was I tolerant or acknowledging a 
programmed message? I created a path (or quaint road), around a field on 
our property. 
Scott had originally started taking our beloved dog for walks in the 
field. I mowed a path and maintained it. A neighbor , who we would hire 
to cut our fields, had used a piece of equipment with his tractor to 
grade the path. I then would drag an old box spring around to grade it 
more. It was great. It was Peaceful. I would venture to say, I had 
walked the loop, about 1/2 mile, thousands of times, yes thousands. 
Some days, I would do 14 laps. Our dog would cut out and sit on the 
deck and watch. It got me grounded. I filled my mind with mantras as I 
walked. I had never felt this kind of despair before. In the saddest of 
moments I would ask God "to help me or take me". The property is sort 
of land locked so the path is very 
private. It enables you to get away. Similar to walking on the edge of 
a forest. I was becoming one with Nature. I Love Nature because it 
tells the Truth. The aloneness was beautiful. 
 
So this double edged sword cut both ways. In a generous moment, I could 
write thank you notes to my adversaries. They forced me to examine my 
lack of desire to defend myself when being attacked. The one thing I 
did learn is that many still believe that Gay People should know their 
place. That LGBT people should have expectations of being the object 
of bullying. That it is naive to expect Civil Treatment. That my riding 
tall in the saddle made me a target. People interpreted my being One 
as a posture, a threat. That somehow I should know my place. I was the 
Queer with the attitude who needed to be taught a lesson. 
 
As it is said " if you don't stand for something, you will fall for 
anything". No one was going to steal my Joy! 
 
Any comments of opinions? 
 
 

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